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| It's been a long week. I feel so alone, but I don't want to talk to anyone. It's not like the most important person in my life has really tried to contact me. Well then again, would I try and contact myself after I shot them down and pushed myself away? Probably not. I'm sure he's worried a little about me. But they don't know. They couldn't know how much this hurts, how I hate the waiting. My stomach is completely in knots, and I worry that this slim chance of it happening, is turning bigger. I don't want to take the test because I'm afraid of the answer, but this waiting is killing me. I've stopped eating. I just can't seem to force the food down anymore. I cry because I can't stop thinking about it even though I've promised myself to give myself another 3 days. Its terrifying. I don't know how I can handle this. I feel like I want to throw up and then I feel like I just want to sleep, but I can't seem to drift off. The tiniest noises wake me up, and I don't stop the horrific nightmares of it actually being true. I want to talk to someone, but no one knows. No one could understand what this feels like. It's almost embarrassing, but more so it's so scary I don't know if I can handle another day unknowing. I'm worried my stress is hurting me even more, keeping me from the answer so I try and calm myself. But the pain in my stomach never goes away and I don't know if its fear or cramps. I pray it's cramps. I pray I bleed. I pray that the test comes back negative. I can't have something inside me. He'll leave.
Amy.
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| I had a dream and I was going to write about it, but of course I took too much time and forgot most of it. I can't even tell you the parts I do remember because if I did, I would sound like a raving lunatic. Sometimes when I dream I can remember so much out of it it's almost like it was real. That reminds me, today I was in my kitchen and I needed a knife. I reached over on my cabinet to feel for the knife block that has all the knives in it. This is when I realized I don't have a knife block, but in one of my dreams, I did. Honestly I can't even continue writing this because I have no desire to, so it's time to say Au revior.
Amy.
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| Hi there, long time no talk. I've been feeling sad again so it's time to write. It's so odd to be so sad and have no reason why. People don't understand you and you don't even understand myself. I think thats why I have so much trouble being with someone. I like Daniel so much, but the fact that I don't know how I feel sometimes scares me. I know that I like him for who he is but at times he annoys me. I guess it's not really annoyance but it's just for a moment it's like I can't stand being around him, but then it passes. I think I try to hard to be perfect that I always fail when it comes to the real relationship. We don't have fun anymore because I'm too scared that I'm losing him or I'm sad because of him or this and that. It's basically the worst thing I could do andI want to change that. But first I just have to take a deep breath and tell myself that everything is okay, that I'm alright and that there is nothing to worry about because I know what my feelings are, right? I wish it were that simple. Everytime I tell myself I like him theres no reason to fret, I second guess myself. And I give myself something TO fret about. It's uncanny how much more presure and stress I put myself through when I just need to relax and know he likes me for me. He likes who I really am, not this dumb little depressive girl who only comes out when I'm frustrated or upset or worried that I in fact don't like him and that needs to stop. I want to look back on this long written note, thing, and read that I know I do in fact like Daniel and at this moment I am laughing at my stupidity because I knew this all along, I just needed a little reassurance and NO I will not listen to these thoughts that are nagging me saying "Are you sure?" because you know what, I am sure. I don't need to worry, I can be happy. As if it were that simple. Oh depression how cruel you play your game, but you play it oh so well. I am happy though, and no one, not even you little depression, can take that away from me. I like you so much my Daniel. :}D
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| I'm so very angry at someone. Don't pretend you know all about my life. It's not yours to judge. Don't try to walk in my shoes, you're going to fall. Oh and me and my boyfriend just celebrated 11 months. :)ilikehim. Amy. | | |
| So I've been listening to Daniel by Bat For Lashes non-stop. It's a great song. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00ZHah-c0hQ) Listen to it. Oh and about this boyfriend thing, I thought it was all fixed we talked about it and everything was okay when he picked me up until later tonight on the drive home, he was moody? I know he was tired and grumpy but he just doesn't seem to be that into me anymore. Do you think that we could of lost whatever we had? Or do you believe that maybe it's just because he wasn't happy? I don't know. But something doesn't feel off anymore. Amy. | | |
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